Alice

Alice and The Mad Steering Committee

Alice came within sight of the administration building. She knew it was the right building because it was festooned with slogans, and over the door there was a large sign proclaiming:

"MISSION PLANNING AND FORWARD-LOOKING LEADERSHIP" .

She entered the building and wondered where to turn. Various people were milling around looking busy, though it was hard to tell to what purpose. She timidly approached what looked like a receptionist's window, but there was nobody there. She turned to a man who was swinging a broom across the floor--at least he looked as if he worked there. "Excuse me," she said, "would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the man.
"I was invited to attend a committee meeting," said Alice.
"Everybody does," said the man. "Whichever door you enter, you'll find a committee in progress. It's all crazy. You must be crazy to want to join. We are all crazy." Having said that, he returned to his back-and-forth sweeping.

Alice picked the corridor on the left. In the middle of it there was a set of important-looking double doors. There was a large conference table in the middle with chairs all around it. The March Hare and the Mad Hatter sat at the table, shuffling papers. A Dormouse was sitting between them, fast asleep. All the other chairs were empty. "Come in! come in!" they said. "You must be the consultant. You are late. Bring in a chair from the next room and sit down."

"But," said Alice, "there are plenty of unoccupied chairs," and she sat down. "Oh," said the March Hare, "someone from this committee must be absent. Do you vote for or against? "
"For or against what?" asked Alice.
"How should I know?" said the Hatter. "And what difference does it make, anyway?"
"It should make a difference," said Alice. "One should always learn what the question is, before giving an answer."
"That would be a breach of confidentiality," said the March Hare. "Mind your own business!"
"Then you should not have asked for my opinion," said Alice. "You are not very civil."
"You mean, if you knew the question, you could find out the answer?" said the March Hare.
"That is exactly what I mean," said Alice.
"Then you should say what you mean," the March Hare went on. "I usually do," said Alice.
"Don't!" said the Hatter. "Opinions undermine the team spirit. Next thing, you will start thinking."
"I think, therefore I am," quipped Alice, who was very proud that she knew who Descartes was, and she added, "I am, therefore I think."
"I am, therefore I sleep," muttered the Dormouse. The Hatter lifted a paper from the pile before him and said, "What day of the month is it?"
Alice looked at her watch and said, "The Fourth." The Hatter looked at his sheet of paper, shook his head, and said, "Two days wrong. I told you that getting the agenda from the horoscope column would not work. We have been at this for three days now."
The Hare became indignant. "It was a most popular column," he replied.
"Yes," said the Hatter, "but the planets must have misaligned," and he dipped the agenda in his coffee cup, adding, "What's the difference? We sit in committees forever anyway." Then he sharply elbowed the Dormouse.
"Our mission is to do good," declared the startled Dormouse.
"Good! Where, to whom?" asked Alice.
"Let's have a new Table of Organization," said the March Hare. "That always makes us look productive."
"I want a new title," said the Hatter. "Everybody move one place clockwise," and he moved to the seat next to him. They all moved to the seat to their left. Alice found herself behind a tag that declared her DIRECTOR OF COORDINATED ORGANIZATIONAL FACILITATION. The notepad in front of her was covered with donut crumbs, coffee stains, and doodles. Some of the doodles seemed like illegible writing, or perhaps it was illegible writing that looked like doodles. "But I don't know what DIRECTOR OF COORDINATED ORGANIZATIONAL FACILITATION means," complained Alice.
"What makes you think you are so special?" retorted the Dormouse.
"This is the stupidest committee I have ever sat on," said Alice.
"Then you haven't sat on many committees," replied the Hatter, and to Alice's relief he added, "Meeting adjourned.

On your way out, collect your 'I HAVE PARTICIPATED IN BUILDING THE FUTURE' lapel buttons."